Prima Ballerina

It was about 6 years ago that I was forced to quit the ballet. I had spent almost my whole dancing career in and out of the doctor’s office. I think it is pretty fair to say that my time in rehearsals and on stage, was most likely equaled or even surpassed by the amount of time I was checked into the medical examination rooms.

My mother and father had met in college, in a grand ballet production. Ironically enough, my mother was the prima ballerina and performed the pas de deux with my father. The pas de deux has always been my favorite dance to watch and perform. Seeing all the magnificent lifts and spins of the partner work inspires me every time to work even harder to become a prima ballerina as well.

After college, they married and gave birth to their first child, me. Both of them had such a passion for the arts that they decided to open up their own dance studio. They called all their old friends to come and teach all the new students the brilliance of dance.

Of course I was put into my very first ballet class at the young age of two and a half. And that is when it all began.
From the first day of class, I had already fallen in love with ballet. The plies, and tendues, and especially pirouettes grabbed at my attention and reeled me in like a hooked fish. I couldn’t get enough ballet to satisfy my thirst. I joined more and more classes until there were no more for me to join. I was in class for two hours every day of the week, and I loved every minute of it.

By the time I had reached age ten, I had become totally engulfed in the ballet. I needed to become a prima ballerina. I wanted to know everything that would make me the best dancer possible. There was only one teacher that I knew could give me the answers I was looking for. I ran to her as soon as I got the chance, and poured out my questions: how do I become so flexible, how do you stay so skinny, what makes my feet and your feet different, how can I be a prima ballerina too? It was her answers, and my drive to become the best, that ultimately led to my downfall.

I did everything she had told me that day, and I pushed myself more every time. Every single morning, and every single night I would stretch my splits for half an hour on each side. I would do arches and bridges galore to strengthen and elongate my back. Push-ups, sit-ups, and leg lifts always kept me busy and right away, I saw a tremendous change in body. Muscles in my arms and legs became much more defined and I found it much easier in class to do the exercises well. But there were still a few things holding me back from being the best.

My feet were the next big issue. All ballerinas have extremely flexible and strong feet. I couldn’t even get my feet to point all the way to a straight line. The goal is to have the top of your foot be an extension of your shin, so a complete straight line is achieved from shin all the way to toes. My teacher suggested an arch enhancing tool. I totally agreed and bought it that night. The contraption required me to place my foot into a small chamber and then slowly crank the side bar, increasing my point, until I couldn’t stand the pain any more. After months and months of use, I finally saw results, but soon after I began feeling a pain in my ankles that I had never previously experienced. For one year, I completely hid the pain from everyone because I had finally started seeing results and I didn’t want anyone to take my arch enhancer away from me. By the time I had gotten the courage to say anything, it was already too late. My parents took me to the doctor’s office, and as we waited I could only think of my upcoming dance concert. I couldn’t imagine having to miss it because of some irrelevant ankle discomfort. Like many other ballerinas I’m told, I had flexor hallucis longus tendonitis and anterior and posterior ankle impingement syndromes (Kahn). So I had tendonitis in my feet and ankles. But that wasn’t going to stop me. Instead of working my ankles as often as I had done before, I turned to my body.

Conditioning and strengthening my body had become unimportant at that moment. I was the fattest ballerina in the entire studio. I was at a weight of 105 lbs, and if I was serious about my career then I needed to lose 15 lbs. Right away I cut out all the meat and soda from my diet, but it wasn’t enough. I had lost only 5 lbs by changing my diet. So I then cut out all animal products and carbohydrates. It still wouldn’t be enough. Like most other ballerinas, I developed anorexia nervosa (Abraham). Eating less and less every day just to get to that ideal weight level. It was a hard weight to maintain and I really had to focus all of my energies to stay anorexic.

The doctors tried to convince me to stop my bad eating habits and to stop over working my body, but I wouldn’t listen. Prima ballerinas have beautiful and graceful bodies and I had to be just like them.

Eventually, I reached my dream; I was a prima ballerina. All of the pain and suffering I had endured finally paid off. I was the lead role in every concert. Audiences adored my turns and leaps and grace. Everything was so perfect. But I had to keep it that way. I knew that there were so many other dancers waiting for their chance. And I would not give it to them. This was my dream and now my reality, and I had to hold on to it for as long as I could.

"Ballet is physically grueling and the fact that other dancers are competing
with them adds to the physical stress. They often perform [when they are] hurt
and are afraid someone will take their place. Many dancers have eating disorders
and they lead very, very stressful lives. The level of precision required is
comparable to that of an Olympic gymnast" (Smith).

From age eleven to age twenty six, I continued down this daring path of anorexia and overworking my body.
Today, I am unable to walk by myself, and am still struggling with food. Fifteen years of damage finally caught up with me.